December 3, 2008

• Something that probably needs to be said...

  Since I started my interest in Christianity, and later becoming a follower, I
  strived to follow and be as good as a Christian as I could be. I changed my
  habits, attitude, and behavior so that I would be a stand up "Super
  Christian," that I thought I was supposed to be. Until about a year and a
  half ago, when I finally broke down due to the pressure I placed upon myself. I
  couldn't take it. I tried so hard to become something that I thought I needed to
  be. I have always been an extremist and totally committed to whatever I had
  become involved with as to show that I am true to my cause and purpose. I it
  just wasn’t worth it anymore to try so hard, but instead just be me.

   

  Perfection is something I am always striving for within
  myself, thus always willing to change who I am to achieve it. I thought about
  it and came to the conclusion that if perfection is constant, and I am always
  changing then I cannot ever be perfect, but only constantly improve through
  change. A lot of people see that I go through drastic changes of lifestyle
  throughout high school, college and now in my young career days. They have a
  hard time relating to me as they feel like they know who I am inside, but don’t
  see it from me on the outside like it once did when I was a kid.

   

  I guess when the breakdown happened I decided that I was
  going to stop trying so hard and do what I wanted to do. Instead of trying to
  follow my bible as close to the letter as possible, I would be me and accept
  that fact that I was made the way I am and so I should just go do, with reason,
  as I saw fit. I decided that I had held myself back a lot from many
  experiences; perhaps some good and some not so good. Since this time I have
  discovered many things and met many new faces that I have shared most excellent
  times with.

   

  The straw that broke my bridge resulting in my breakdown was
  losing Kristina, my girlfriend at the time, due to my actions and choices. It
  was pretty evident that it was a huge blow to my pride and showed immensely in
  my lack of motivation. I didn’t understand it when it happened or why it
  happened, but I did get that it wasn’t a dream and life just dropped a duce on
  me. It was then I left church right before service and called my best friend up
  to talk.

   

  Norvelle has been like a brother, if not just that to me
  since I met him. He’s seen me go through a painful breakup before, but never
  saw me just break down not able to handle a situation before. It was him I went
  to after church that day and once again gave me the pep talk that I needed to
  hear. He has always been there as I have screwed up and just gave me the “It’ll
  be alright man” talk time and time again. When life has been crappy it has
  always been nice to know that you got a bro to talk to and have a beer with.

   

  After the pep talk I decided that I needed to step away from
  church as a whole and gather myself. Since church was an emotional trigger that
  would cause me pain I didn’t want to be around it as it would just set me off.
  So I decided to take my journey outside the Christian bubble that I lived in
  for the past 4+ years.

   

  I decided to join a car club and tune my car as it was
  something I really wanted to do in high school and figured I should do the
  things I really wanted to do. I got to meet a lot of new friends and “family”
  as we are that tight with one another. I went places that I never been before
  and got to do a lot of fun things, like go to Apple Hill and participate in a
  food eating contest. Apple pie has been the same since. I got my car in the
  Scion commercial that came out a couple months ago which was really cool. I
  love the sense, but honestly the drama sucks when it starts.

   

  I remember a lot of people, encouraging me go to another
  church or get plugged in elsewhere. I remember my mentor, Scott, taking me out
  to sushi as a lot of people were worried about me as if I would do something
  crazy like commit suicide or something. I remember Sunday school teacher, Jody,
  taking me out to dinner and talking about what was going on. I remember Pastor
  Steve met with me for coffee and asked me to be a trustee as I was nominated
  and thought to be fit for the job. All of these things I am thankful for, but I
  didn’t want to be around church at all as I was all mixed up inside. I knew
  what I believed, but needed to figure out what I wanted to do.

   

  Since all of this happened, it has been the first time I
  have been single in years. I always have wanted to have someone close to me
  care for. I learned that I needed to care about me and be happy with me first
  before this can happen. I needed to understand that I had to be content with
  who I am and what I wanted from life before I could share that with someone. I
  needed to be whole as a person and accepting of who I am and what I am before
  someone can appreciate who I am and love me for who I am, just like they want
  me to do the same for them. Not something perfect, but love the imperfection.

   

  I remember that I really wanted to get married at a young
  age and have kids young so I could teach them how to play hockey or take them
  camping so I wouldn’t be this worn out of guy that had back problems and could
  play with my kids. I guess it was good to see that I had many opportunities to
  take advantage of now that I am single and can be free to roam around and do
  what I want. I don’t really have a plan, but to experience what I can while I
  am young, cause I already missed out a lot.

   

  I feel we can never plan everything out in life and that despite
  that it flows like a river, from one body of water to another. We can enjoy the
  ride of clam waters, rapids, or water falls knowing that it is always moving
  and never stopping. The memories gained during the adventure make the river all
  the more interesting and fun, but there is sadness and painful times as well. Life
  is ever changing like this river, yet I think instead of water flowing, we rather
  be a stone staying in one place as change is not always something we want to do
  or accept.

   

  Life is so complex... sometimes I wish it were just simple,
  or is it I who make it complex?

  I guess I figured out that I want to be me and nothing more.

   

  I don’t even think this post makes sense but at least I
  wrote down my thoughts.

  • 2:02 pm
  • 4 Comments