I dont know what the hell is going on anymore.... I think I'mma lose it.... seriously....

I'm going back to the "12 grade" I dont really care anymore about much..."

Ya know sometimes I dont quite understand why I think the way I do or the efforts I put into things. I beleive it comes with a sense of pride and wanting to do my best. I like to over think things as to plan out all the necessary moves in order to have the best possible outcome. Howver I think because of this become much like a 3 year old who didnt get his candy. By this I mean to say that I think in all things I do, I want to get my way and this is somewhat selfish, but not to say I dont like doing things for other people. Infact I like doing things for others and I do it without being asked a lot of the time or I offer it up myself.

I guess you can say I'm quite bitter and full or rage. I ask myself why? "Why do you need to feel like you need revenge all the time, cant you just finish at the bottom for once, and swallow your pride one fucking time." To respond, "Hell NO BITCH!!!!" I think my rage has once again ignited, but I want as always to do my best to control it and sometimes I need to write to let it all out. To say the very least it comes out very nasty and I dont like to let that happen.

Over the years I feel a lot of times I would just hold it in and let it loose all at once and that wasnt too healthy so I decided to try my best to not let things get to me. But things do get to me and I’ve accepted that. What I have a problem accepting is lost and losing. Ironically as competitive as I am, when I play Ice hockey I don’t mind loosing, cause I just love to play. But anything else I have to win… its really werid and I don’t quite get it myself…

I think we all have some part of us that is full of something that is seen somewhat negative, or in my case almost crazy if not crazy…hahaha…. I have the Brother Name: Xtreme for a reason as they gave it to me many years ago. And for good reason I have this name, but it carries some very positive and very negative conditions as well. What I would like to do is one day mellow this out a bit as playing on the edge is not too safe all the time.

I don’t really know what I need to do to eliminate this negativity, but in turn I just “let the air out” slowly through a pin prick hole… too bad the balloon is really really big. But we all deal with things differently and I am no different. I don’t think I’m the only one who does this, just maybe one of the very few.

When a passion arises in my life whether it is relational with people or relational with hobbies or anything, I put everything I can into it to make it work and build or construct the system to work. I guess the problem is I see in hind sight a lot of the time is it is made to suit me and perhaps someone like me, but is the system worth building I think…. I think…

I would say that I am enjoying my new hobby of working on my car and doing custom lighting work for people, but because of my busy schedule I don’t have much chill time, and recently I’ve really started to appreciate it and all. Being able to just veg out doesn’t feel so unproductive as it used to and the option of just sitting around and chillin over making money seems to be quite strong in my mind as well.

To be completely honest not only to myself, but to my readers I tend to write things very vaguely and unless you know me quite well and what I’m really thinking about all the time, you are probably confused. Probably even more so since I choose not to proof read so I might say something funny or something that doesn’t make sense.

What I really wanted for my birthday didn’t happen. I wanted something that was not able to be purchased and not able to be given, but more of a sense of peace with past events. We tend to do many new things to occupy our minds as to move on from events of the past and we do it quite well, the only difference is that my mind does not forget. It always remembers and the feelings and things that go along with memories are always present…

In turn my mind has become my own prison. Something that cannot be taken away nor can it be shut down. It is my system that I created and have to deal with it. It almost feels like a Version of Microsoft Windows, full of bugs and errors that only cause more frustration and the updates seem to do more damage when fixing one problem as to make room for the need update…

So is it possible to have a “Prison Break” I will find out soon enough. The clock is moving and the time in counting down. I guess Xtreme suits me well in this situation as well…. Hahaha…. I’ve accepted it… so have some others…. I wonder what it’ll be like… hope its fun... I pretty sure I will learn a lot from it, as long as it doesnt end and is ever changing…. Hey that sounds like life in a nut shell…. Either that or I’m a nut in a shell living life…. However you mix it…. Quarter century too old and its only been a week…. Damn… Nappy Roots put it simply… “Life’s a Bitch”

Well, considering it was my birthday today and I have reach a quarter century old it struck my that thing were much different a year ago. I mean I’m still walking and talking and eating, but my life style has changed dramatically, but that cannot be helped given the changes over the past year… So the biggest ones being:

1. I graduate from SJSU, no longer a college student, but an engineer.


2. I have stopped going to church for a few months


3. I joined a car club and modified my xA, more than I ever thought I would


4. I’m single now


5. I ran a half marathon and have decided I’m done with running…hahahaha…. Reminded me of why I hated it in high school


6. Rock Climbing is my new hobby


7. I have my own side business

That’s just a few things… Are they all good or bad? That’s not my thoughts, but rather that of how these actions have opened my eyes and really allowed me to step back and see what I have become and where I am. I’m still confused on the last 2, but I can say that I have been able to see things from all different points of view.

O yea… I have money now since I’m working, and so that is a big plus from being a broke college student. However I miss going to class and having the life style of a college student. Too much responsibility, but I guess I’m okay with the changes and the pros I think most definitely out weight the cons.

I thought about it and I realized I spent about 5 years of my college life pursuing or in some kind of relationship and I think I missed out on some things in college, but kinda glad it kept me focused from time to time. I learned a lot and I guess it is better to have learned the lessons I learn earlier in life, rather than later.

Modifying my car was in the back of my mind since I was in high school, but without the funds or resources it was always not too lingering, until recently. I’m happy to have an xA GO KART and I love my 1hour + long morning commute as I have my music to entertain me and get me through the stop and go slug-like movents.

I hate running for long distances and I never did like it. In high school the only reason why I stayed on the X-country team was because of one girl. Hahahaha…. I wonder where she is now. Last time I heard, she went to UCLA and I was still a Sr. in High School…  And for that reason I didn’t run my Sr. Year…. I wanted to have fun and hang out and since I didn’t have much motivation to run I just chilled, cut school and did what I wanted. Amazing I graduated with a 3.60 GPA… How’d that happen?????

V0, V1, V2,V3 or 5.10a, 5.10c, 5.11a…. Whatever it is it’s fun to try and climb. But climbing to me is really discovering a lot about who you are and knowing your limits, but the support encouragement and love from the climber around you is what I love about it most. Figuring out problems and knowing how to use your body in a new way is awesome. Its like climbing trees when you’re a little kid, but for adults.

Having started up my own little side business of LED gauge cluster and HVAC modifications as well as custom interior lighting for scions, or any car, is something I have some to love and hate…. I love designing and working with my hands, but hate the running of wires…. But its all worth it in the end to see what you were able to do and see a smile of excite on the owners face as his car lights up like a christmas trees is priceless, plus it pay well too.

Not going to church for a while now has relaxed my heart a bit and kinda really solidified that of what I know about myself as well as what I’m capable of. I feel more relaxed and less pressured as to what I’m supposed to or expected to be and more of who I want or am striving to be. I have enjoyed many experiences both good and bad and it has taken out of this bubble that I have felt so trapped in for a while now. I trust this is all part of the “big guy in the sky’s plan” of what I am to become. Maybe I needed to look at what the church is from the outside and then internalize that, or maybe just a break from all stuff that bothers me….. Whatever it is… it feels good to be a little more “wide eyed” about the situation.

So I wonder how many changes will be seen in the next year to come. I look forward that of what will happen or not happen to me or the things around me. Better left a mystery and better to discover everything is peaceful with a bit a chaos here and there.

If you ask anyone is my family whether or not going into the army is a good or bad decision, you will get an earful of opinions and views of what the army is and why not to do it. The big problem is they arent in the army and neither has anyon ein our family been in military service, which begs my next question... how do you know what you know? Is it from the news you here and the stories you read about? Not to say they dont have valid points of risking your life and the dangers... but what about the rewards? Are there rewards or benefits? Sure.... Why not find out for yourself...

So I went to a recruiter with a friend so I could help them stay here in the bay a few more days. All they needed was some contact info from one person and then they said they'd be able to stay longer. Problem is no one was willing to help them out... So I was like... hey I would like to experience what goes on and what someone actually in the military service has to say about their life. After all I would be hearing it first person and yea it could be biased to try to get me to join or whatever, but I was going to help out a friend.

I had so many preconceived ideas of what exactly might or might not occur. Also since I'm a big thinker I tried to imagine how thigns might go. I thought to myself I will probably meet some crazy highly motivated war whore, that was going to try to tell me this is the best opprotunity of my life and then try to sign me up. Also I figured the guy would be not too bright and not too educated, and so my preconceived ideas continued on.

But we all hear the cliche line, "Dont judge a book by its cover..." and the same apply here...

I was right to say I knew I would be more educated than them, and probably a lot more physically capable than them, but I definately wasnt as focused in my life as them. I noiticed that talking over of about 1.5 hours that these people are not trying to push you into it, but want you to make a decision on your own. Preconceived idea number one down the drain. The guy was down to earth and was pretty honest about the the risk you take. He did give me a whole ear full of the benefits and such and all that jazz, but was more relaxed than anything. Not the war whore I expected.

It insightful to learn about all the different divisions and opprotunities and such as well as what basic training and advanced training would be like. It's something I think that everyone should realize and know that just because you join the army doesnt automatically mean youre going to go into the front line and be canon fodder for the next wave of attack. Hey some people have a family tradition to serve and that's seems psycho to some, but also honorable to others. Its all about how you preceive things.

This led me to one conclusion... am I a hypocrit for thinking logically for one situation in life as to another, or am I afraid/ infulenced to be afraid of situations that put us ask risk? I mean that is what life is all about risk. I could drive to the dealership to get my oil changed today and get hit by a mack truck and my life would end and people might say it was sad that I had to die like that; whereas on the other hand I could go die while fighting in a war and save a platoon of people's lives becasue I was there and I was alert an I sacraficed myself to save others. Would that be a sad death or an honorable one? My point is it doesnt matter what choices you make, just make them based on the decisions and facts that you see first hand and not by what you hear. Are you so smart or knowledgable or full of information from various sources that you cant even look at something for yourself... Most people will sit and read the book, but not after they looked at the cover a bit and decided whether or not it is worth it.

I finshed the Disneyland Half Marathon!

During this trip there were two quotes that stuck out.

While waiting in line to watch the Aladdin Play @ CA Adventures.

1. Jody - "Hey Jeremiah dont you want to get nice and close to the stage to see the sweat on Jasmine.

After telling the above quote to Benn, James and Jenn...

2. James - "Hey Jenn want to go see the Jasmine Show... I mean Aladdin"

hehehe.... Its still funny as I think about it now.

When you ask a chef what the secret to good French toast, they may say a variety of things like: cinnamon, sugar, nutmeg, vanilla bean or salt or even chili powder. Well maybe not chili power, but I would know. But what I do know is that every chef will have their own secret ingredient to French toast or whatever specialty item they are a master at. In that same angle or point of view, which ever you prefer to call it, we can look at happiness or enjoyment in life. Each of us has our own favorite or secret thing we add to whatever it is we like to do in order to feel or be happy or just enjoy something.

Someone may say that they like to build sand castles on the weekend and spend all day baking in the sun to make something magnificent and amazing to the onlookers that strolls on by, only to have it destroyed as the sand dries out and become brittle or perhaps that builder has a case of wanted to play Godzilla and tramples over it, smashing it to pieces. The day was spent to create some thing knowingly it would be destroyed, but enjoyed doing it because that is something they like. Whether it is to get the attention of other to show what they are capable of building or doing, or perhaps they find it relaxing and rewarding to know they have the ability to create something. I personally would say that the Godzilla complex would be in my personal things of choice why I would want to spend all day making a sand castle because I like to play the kid at heart with a big imagination.

Perhaps spend time in the mountains wandering aimlessly through the wilderness and trail hopping along the way only to get lost brings peace to the mind that for once they feel as if they are challenged to survive or find there way home. The feeling or being alone and scared may clam someone down from a busy life in order to bring focus to their own life. In this case survival or finding their way home is the only thing on their mind instead of a job that requires them to work 50 or 60 or 80 hours a week only to come home to a house that is in shambles and never seems to get any better. Hey it doesn’t have to be a nice situation just a situation in which we find focus and accomplishing that goal, in this case getting home or just surviving, may bring a sense of joy or happiness that sometimes things work out and that they made it through a struggle.

Things don’t have to make sense to anyone else but you for happiness or make you happy. No on should have to explain their actions if they are not physically or mentally harmful to others. People plant gardens, work on cars, play sports, relax or just do whatever in order to feel good and if that is enough for them, then hey who is anyone to say what they do is stupid. Personally I reason that if someone has to criticize you to feel good about themselves, they are just retarded and unable to find happiness or are unhappy with themselves. Don’t let other peoples opinions hinder what you love to do. Be you.

Pick your spice in life, I personally like my French toast with a sprinkle of fresh ground nutmeg, and my happiness comes from me being me and making my own choice to make me happy and not that in what would be impressionable to those around me. Why do people try so hard to impress people they don’t really care about? This is a question that comes up all the time. Why not instead of trying to impress people, just care about other people and leave an impression on their mind or heart about what you can do for them. I personally love to help people and when I get that opportunity I find my happiness.

Just some of my Fil-Loso-Fi

9-1
Alaska 372 departs OAK 6:40 AM, Arrives SNA 8:18 AM
9-3
Alaska 425 departs SNA 1:47 PM, Arrives OAK 3:09 PM

Lodging - Grand Californian.
2 adult park hopper
2 r/t supershuttle.

Disneyland 1/2marathon.... I think I will have to wing it..... LOL

So I was messing around with some new features on google maps and I came across this:

Seriously.... I think the pic speaks for itself and they say boy scouts dont have fun.... hahahaha... Watch out dont mess with my lil sis!