December 15, 2008

• The Greatest Unspoken Fear

  
  

  I believe that there is a fear that is so overlooked, so
  powerful that we cringe deep inside every time we come close to it. I do not
  think it is the fear of death or losing something important, as these things
  will happen and are accepted; but the fear of uncertainty. Not just any
  uncertainty though, it takes a special personal and embarrassing fear to put us
  on tilt. I speak of the fear of: "Plugging up the toilet at someone's
  dwelling by way of dropping a Godzilla-sized deuce that just will not flush.”

  We all have the unspoken etiquette not to drop a deuce in someone's house,
  unless absolutely necessary. And by absolutely necessary you better have a
  damned good explanation why they can’t go use their own bathroom due to the
  fact that they will pass out upon opening the door to the porcelain throne of
  relief. And even with good explanation you may be banned from this residence
  due to the catastrophe that you unleashed.

   

  We all know the routine. Do it fast, do it quick, and do it
  when no one will notice. However, due to these thoughts, sometimes we forget
  about other details. Here is a list of questions/thoughts on your mind:

   

  1. Is there any toilet paper?

  2. Is there enough toilet paper?

  3. How many ply is this toilet paper?

  4. Are there reserves of toilet paper somewhere hidden in
  this bathroom?

  5. I hope I do not destroy this sanctuary of peace with my
  unholy load dropping.

  6. I hope I don’t have mud butt.

  7. I don’t think it will stink too bad.

  8. It’ll be okay.

   

  We find a progression of reassurance in our mind as we start
  to think more. We feel by willing it to be a quick and dirty task that some how
  we will escape unnoticed and undetected by evidence, until the beast is let
  loose like the atomic bomb going off. We begin to panic and wonder if anyone
  heard that enormous roar of a fart leave our bottom side hatch, but that is not
  the worse of it. Oh no, there is the smell to contend with. Here we encounter
  the next thoughts:

   

  1. It wasn’t that loud was it?

  2. There is a lot of noise going on out there, so I don’t
  think anyone heard it?

  3. It doesn’t smell too bad I don’t think.

  4. Do they have air fresher or matches in here?

  5. How big is the long brown trout?

  6. Too many thoughts, must remember: Do it fast, do it
  quick!

  7. Wipe ass and get the hell out!

   

  Almost in the clear so far we might have encountered some
  major embarrassing moments to ourselves during the journey, yet have no idea if
  anyone has figured this out on the other side of the door. We have relieved
  ourselves and feel a million times better stand up and pulling up your pants or
  fixing your dress; yes you ladies experience this too.

  Then the moment of truth, the moment of silence, the moment
  of prayer, and the moment of the toilet handle being pushed down. And you hold
  it down hoping that in someway this will add more flushing power or let more
  water run into the toilet. You may chant or start to will the log to go into
  the hole and be gone forever. But the only thing on your mind is; IT’S NOT FLUSHING!!!!!!! THE WATER IS RISING!!!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!

  At least it doesn’t overflow, but the water level is at the
  rim of the toilet bowl.

   

   You begin to panic,
  curse, and swear… the turd from hell as it sits lodged into the tiny hole that
  it is supposed to go down. The tip of it pointing at you as if to taunt you in
  the most glorifying way saying, “You wont get rid of me that easy.” These new
  thoughts of anger and frustration begin to form and little do you know you have
  spent a few minutes sitting there contemplating what to do. These thoughts are:

   

  1. WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST FLUSH

  2. WHO THE HELL DESIGNED THIS TOILET WITH SUCH A SMALL HOLE.

  3. Calm down…

  4. Do they have a plunger? (panic starts again)

  5. They have to have a plunger? (panic developing)

  6. WHERE IS THE F@&^ING PLUNGER! (PANIC ERUPTED *2^nd
  Time)

  7. Why do they have a toilet brush and no plunger (*mental
  crying begins)

  8. Maybe I can just use the toilet brush to smash it down
  the toilet? (hopeless optimism begins)

   

  You begin to smash the brown brick down into the hole along
  with all the toilet paper and notice the water level is falling. A smile begins
  to develop on your face. The duke of darkness curses you by saying, “It won’t
  be the last time! I will have my REVENGE!” You begin to dance and flush the
  toilet a second time and it washing away the rest. But it’s not over…

   

  The toilet brush is covered in pieces of pieces of toilet
  paper and chunks of nastiness. You think it be a good idea to leave it as is,
  and place it back into the nifty housing from once it was taken from; like the
  sword in the stone. This allows you to cover up the evidence, while leaving the
  message of the next person to use it, usually someone’s mom, “Leave a plunger
  in here next time.”

   

  You manage to escape an embarrassing moment this time, but
  always remember that Mr. Hankie will have his revenge!

   

  And yes one day you will overflow the toilet.

   

  Happy Flushing! =D

  • 6:08 pm
  • 16 Comments